[20♥Jul♥03 @ 08:20pm ] ramsey is a beautiful boy!!! look what he did!!! ahhhhhhhhhh 2 ♥ lay with this?

gotta see, gotta go [09♥Aug♥01 @ 06:38am ] [ mood | crushed ] children of the flowers, i'm watching you as you conform, fall into place. and you're still just as beautiful. can we eat now? making out on the old tire-swing, roll me around on the ground...but don't get my new shirt dirty. and don't mess up your pretty hands. your hair is ruffled.out of place, tangled into mine. i love this feeling, of having you near. maybe i'm just scared of letting go. i never thought you'd go. why am i so selfish? and why am i mad at you because you got a release? i wish that i could be happy for you. i bet you're even more beautiful now. i think about you a lot. the halls are lonely and cold. i took your seat in class...it was still warm. 3 ♥ lay with this?

bathe me in sunlight [08♥Aug♥01 @ 06:49am ] [ mood | awake ] why is everyone screaming? i wish they'd just stop screaming,and i wish that everyone would stop dying. i don't want to be here alone anymore.i can't understand, dead flowers, whole wheat bread, corn syrup, all over you. i want you to take me. play with me for a while. i'm a girl, not your toy...so be careful how you touch. i miss you. i wonder if you're ever with me, i can feel you around me. and i wonder if you're disappointed in the girl that you love. i'm so stupid, why was i so mean to you? if i get better, please come back....if you get better too. why are we apart when we were supposed to be together forever? don't bleed on me, don't cry. don't feel good about what you've done, it didn't fix anything. it didn't make you better. they couldn't fix you. that's why the casket is closed, i can't say goodbye, is that really even you? where are you? i HATE that picture. sometimes i wish that i hated you. if i have a little girl, i'm going to name her kyle. i love you. stay a little longer, be my angel. please. i wish you would have taken me with you...so i could hold you. so we could get through this together. we could have done it together. you were always so stubborn. lay with this?

the ants and the messiah [07♥Aug♥01 @ 07:13am ] [ mood | curious ] for some reason i don't want to kiss him. sometimes, i do. but over all i have no desire to do so. i just want him to hold me and feed me cake with his hands. is playing too much to ask for? i just want to hang out. 11 ♥ lay with this?

you know who you are [05♥Aug♥01 @ 07:22pm ] [ mood | drained ] freezer-burned icecream and stale cereal, the sound of an old 2 stringed guitar playing the same chord over and over until we get too tired to listen any more. grilled cheeses at 4:00 a.m. and then breakfast at noon, maybe...maybe not. i can't sleep-can you? blow jobs in the back of your mom's van, diet coke and camel lights. tell me another story and tell me that you love me before you cross the street. touch me anywhere you like...faster and harder than before...as long as the parental units are asleep. girl, i love this bathroom and making love to dirty boys on your den floor. let's play in the driveway again tonite and you can spoon-feed me from a bowl of stars while i cry about how i hate myself and how i can't believe he kissed me. let's explore the remains of that fort in the woods, tall mom will never know we're gone. smoke pot in old cop cars and rent movies that we already own. wallace an gromit--i hate that penguin, gives me the creeps every time. please rewind the video for melanie so she can watch it for the nineteen-billionth time today. it isn't really funny after the first time. i know all the words. play in the sand, bite my fingernails. stay on the computer all night click click click.internet boys coming on trains. love him and watch him die. make wedding plans with me and hold my hair back when i get too drunk and i'm throwing up. please don't let his big sister beat me up. talk dirty to me, grab my ass,hold my hand at his funeral and get high with me later. you can always make me feel better. i can't feel my face anymore. missionary position, tried and true, blind me with an orgasm...i'm new to this...look at where we are. stay with me forever. pills to help me sleep. you can use my toothbrush if you need to...it's okay. put make-up on the boys when we need it more, naked is good and he's seen parts of you that you didn't even know you had. i love that splinter in your butt. friends forever, pullout couches, sometimes i forget what happened. burn your tears into your wrist so you'll remember them always. don't forget the past. it made you, and me and everyone else. don't fall down without trying to get back up. you don't want to be like everyone else. go to group therapy with me, we can be crazy together. dragonball-Z reruns and dead fish--i think it was wednesday, or some other day. ninja turtles and underoos, BAND-AIDS BRAND "NEW FOR BROKEN HEARTS." buy twenty boxes, and extra twenty for my girl. but i don't know how to add. i know what subtraction feels like. KY Jelly and mighty mouse, did you remember to take you birth control? no. how about your prozac? nope---but we have vodka, an old bottle of Jim Beam in the freezer. been there all summer and likes to kiss mel every morning. someone take out the trash while i call the pizza guy. everything interrupted by "aunt daisy-beth." what's your problem? did you get up in the wrong side of the bible this morning? yeah, it's called hell. welcome. got the munchies, dead friends. lost lonely...always exhausted. where did our minds go? hold me, blow your nose on my t-shirt. i love you SKUNK. 5 ♥ lay with this?

i heard that you were feeling sorry [04♥Aug♥01 @ 04:33pm ] [ mood | blank ] sitting and wondering if we'd be okay if you were here. maybe things wouldn't have worked out anyways. who knows. i don't, you might. i do care, contra ir to popular belief. listening to dashborad confessional...wondering if this band can actually read my mind, or if we're all the same person. i scare myself. i feel selfish, you are selfish. i can't believe that i ever believed you. i can't beleive that you ever believed me. "forever" is the dumbest word that ever flowed from you lips. you're a liar. "i'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers. i'll be alright when my hands get warm." but i'm not gonna be all right. you never said goodbye, you're gone. why can't i see you? you're too good for me, always were. why is silence so loud today? why is it raining? why is there always a storm here? no one makes sense anymore. everyone is so ugly, all of the time. bubble baths and broken records and cold macaroni and cheese, letters that smell like you. one day, your scent will fade and you won't be anything that you were before. but i won't ever forget you. why'd you take me if you were just going to take you. don't get close to him or her, they'll die one day, you'll be alone and angry at the one person that you thought you couldn't get angry at. and you'll hurt and cry and want to be with them all of the time. they won't come back, you'll never see them again, they forgot about you. "falling in love is for posers." i'm a poser, so are you...but you are also afraid of reality...so you would never admit it. which probably, is one of the main reasons that you had to leave. keep smoking your cigarettes, breathe life in, wrap me in you, make us one, tell me what's wrong. i'm not ready to lose your life again. please don't take it. you make me mad, and happier than i've ever been before, why can't you see that and let me make you whole again. put me back together, love. stay away from me. go away forever, don't look back. you don't want to see me like this, and i don't want to see you again. don't feel bad, it's all my fault, i know you didn't mean to. you didn't mean it. pull the trigger baby, laugh like a child. you're free now. it's party time, we don't matter. you were the only one that mattered to any of us. so just forget about it, you don't get another chance. blue eyes, chubby cheeks, did you know that one of your lips is bigger than the other? kiss me hard if i don't get to see you again. your skin looks pale in this picture, were you crying? you look like an angel, i think it's ugly. i wish i could see you. i wish that i was there to stop you. i want to crawl inside and carry you away. DON'T PUT HIM IN THE GROUND!!! please God, take me, and not him. i just want to touch him. are you really there? i hate eric clapton, and funerals, and toupees, and finger food at grandmas house afterward. how can all of you be hungry? i want to throw up. bash your faces in and go home. curl up and sleep forever. forever is such a stupid word, sad really. death is forever. lay with this?

why are you hiding...? [04♥Aug♥01 @ 12:23pm ] [ mood | disappointed ] please come out...where ever you are. stop playing with me, show your face. why do you keep doing this. you make me want to scream. i hate your headstone. you look young in pictures, you look scared in person. and i miss you all of the time. i can't stand not holding you. wish you were here. did i ever tell you that you're terrible, well i should have. but i can't, it isn't true. but that's how i feel sometimes. i hate waking up alone. i'm always alone. you were the only one that ever loved me, i mean really loved me. and you gave up too. so, now, i'm giving up. following in your footsteps. does that make you happy? didn't think so. last night i had a dream that we made love, and it was beautiful and perfect and everything real...just like it always was. just like you always were. angels. hotpockets. blue jeans and dirty socks. i love you. take my life one day, alright? so you can feel me. i want you. scared to go to sleep, i never want to wake up. slice me up, bury me neck-deep in skittles (the original kind) and wash my hair with your shampoo. because i love the way it smells, and i sometimes wish you would have used it a little more often. i really enjoyed smelling like couch and all of those days when me messed around at the fort. i should have known better than to think that all of that meant a life time together. i'm not angry, but i'm not happy, and i don't like icecream sandwiches followed by vodka and vomiting and kisses that don't mean a thing. i can't stand feeling like this, old, and disoriented. trips to your house on days when i don't have school, talking to your mom...when all she does is cry. over your stupid mistake and you bad decision-making skills. she thinks it's her fault, you know...she thinks you did it because of her. i wish you two didn't look so much alike. but mostly when you cry. lay with this?

rock and roll heaven [04♥Aug♥01 @ 12:19am ] [ mood | calm ] spent most of the night laughing at things that weren't really funny. i'm not really sure if they were even there...now that i think about it. and that's funny, in a way. i'm not laughing. there were cute boys and broken hearts floating around the room. isn't funny how people don't want to be used, but they are used on their own free will when they feel like it? and call it generosity...ha. orange beanie, too much skin, too skinny, pretty boy, funny faces, don't smile at me. this isn't a happy day. though, i would love to see you smile again, maybe later. my hair is softer when it's shampooed...i like it better clean. i think you are crazy. please don't be so flamboyant. people are looking at you, look at me like that one more time. just so i can be sure that you are you and i'm still me. why are you here. i'm imagining all of this, you like her, and i like him and he's gone. shouldn't feel like this, and i know that i don't. or at least that it won't last, or will never matter. i'm not like you, we are so completely different.don't pretend that i'm okay, and you're okay when neither of us are and we are both thinking the same thing. i wish that i was as pretty as you are...does my hair look ugly like this. i'm always ugly. and i miss him, but i miss you too. and i shouldn't think about this stuff, not with someone like you. you don't need a head case like me. i'll break you, like i've been broken...but worse...because i'm angry. that can't be good...i'm not angry with you. i'm angry with me and him and mangled bodies and closed caskets and stolen breath and hearts and stillness and the quiet of death. i'm not mad at you. i think that sometimes i think i like you. but it's just thinking and i am probably wrong. 11 ♥ lay with this?

thoughts of you [03♥Aug♥01 @ 02:01pm ] [ mood | exhausted ] run your fingers over my skin, please, just one more time...before i never see you again. don't worry, it won't mean anything to you in ten minutes anyway. just like last time, and that time before, and the time before that. which was what i was trying to avoid before it happened the first time. but that's okay, right? because i know that you love me, or whatever that was. you were so sad, too sad for me, and you and too sad to handle this life. well, that was your life, but where is mine? we were one, we were together and the same. you are so perfect. lovely, insane. you should have said goodbye. it isn't easy to hear, but you've heard it before. i bet you wish you never met me. i look for you everywhere. so please just tell me that you're alright. stinker, plaything, mixtape whore. i'm a person too. i am. you are just as blind as i am...just as blind and foolish as everyone else. but we're still here, aren't we? lay with this?

the green that surrounds me [03♥Aug♥01 @ 01:04pm ] [ mood | depressed ] so new to this, sometimes it's unbearable. i miss kyle, death is so final...it's the end. or is it? what do you think? i hate you. you can't fix me. ya know? break down, right now, in front of me, all around me...with me. you don't understand. you shallow bitch. pull out all of my hair, shave your head. stop killing me, don't kill yourself, please don't leave me. i'm not ready for any of this. you took all of me. why'd you go away. too bad love sucks. maybe you'd still be here. maybe i wouldn't be dead. maybe... sometimes you don't know me, sometimes you wish you didn't. but you're stuck, all of you are stuck. why do i mean nothing to you...why? not a virgin princess anymore. but i don't wanna talk about it, it's none of your business. why do you hate me? i don't understand you...you're beautiful, i love you. i love you...so LEAVE ME ALONE!!! forever...disappear into the stars. pretend that it's all over, it's all a dream. i guess you're safe now. are you alright. please breathe. please wake up. get out of that box! i can't stand to see you like this, trapped, in there...down there. you're nothing but a shell now. organ donors. live forever, love. i mishu. sorry you had to go so soon, i have to go now. 7 ♥ lay with this?

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